February 4th is #TimeToTalk day, an event that aims to get people talking about mental health. This year perhaps more than ever this is an incredibly important message, I highly recommend checking out the resources and advice on their website.
According to Mind, a UK based charity, 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem of some kind every year. In the past twelve months however even those not usually prone to these kinds of struggles have had to learn to deal with increased isolation, uncertainty and worry, meaning that empathy and understanding is at an all time high. Let’s capitalize on the more widely shared experiences of anxiety, fear and depression and use it to normalize talking openly about how we are feeling. Sharing and connecting with others on a human level is essential in times of crisis, but it also can leave us feeling exposed and vulnerable if it does not go well. I’ve got five rules to help you stay safe, the do’s and don’ts when engaging with others on mental health matters.
Beware Accidental Gaslighting
The first rule of #TimeToTalk is to dial down the helpful advice. Mental health difficulties have a biological basis and cannot always be overcome by exercise, meditation and a good chat. Every emotion you experience is in fact a chemical in your brain and while neurological changes could be either a reaction to an environmental or physical stressor or a difference you are born with, both are very real. As an ADHDer myself I know for a fact that my brain just doesn’t have as much of the neurotransmitter "dopamine" as most people, which means I find it harder to feel satisfied. When I am restless or anxious it is not helpful to propose ways to calm down, I need ways to get that satisfaction. I might choose exercise, food, completing a task, a hug or *shock horror* medication. With depression, the neurotransmitter "serotonin" is often lacking. This might benefit from meditation, food, a massage or again, medication. Be careful not to accidentally gaslight people into believing that their feelings are their fault, that they can somehow be overridden if they just try a bit harder. Sometimes the circumstances don’t allow you to lifestyle your way to mental health and that’s when we call in the big guns.
I remember when I was writing up my PhD, my clinical psychologist asked me why I wasn’t medicating for my ADHD, and I replied “oh but I don’t need meds when I can run outside everyday, getting lots of light and movement into my routine”. “Ah”, she said, “But you’re not able to do that are you? It’s winter, you have to sit for 12 hours a day and concentrate. Why are you giving yourself such a hard time when you could just take meds for the ADHD and feel better?” Good point, I thought, took meds and wrote a thesis that passed with no corrections.
Sometimes people are too far into the fog to start exercising or meditating and making those suggestions just ramps up the guilt and self-reproach. Honestly, if one more person asks me if I’ve ever tried mindfulness for my ADHD I might throw a mindfulness book at them. The answer is “Yes, of course I have, but no amount of mindfulness, yoga, tai chi, or Tibetan humming is going change the fact that my brain makes less dopamine than 95% of the human population”. End of. #TimeToTalk does not mean time to share the anecdote about your friend who swears by a daylight lamp / turmeric tea / brazil nuts / unpasteurized organic badger’s milk / fresh fermented cuckoo spit.
Just Listening
So, what should you do instead? Rule two for #TimeToTalk is about just listening. Rather than jumping in with a practical plan, you could gently ask “what’s the best way to support you right now?” or “when you have felt like this before, what kinds of things have helped?” Asking questions limits our instincts towards rescuer mode when your friend just wants to feel heard and understood. Listening is a skill that takes time to perfect, but do your best to really hear what they are saying and how they are feeling. Some people just need company while they sit with a feeling or weep, company that isn’t going to fix them.
There’s often a natural tendency to share your own experiences to reassure people that they are not alone. If you think it is appropriate to do this, you can make sure it’s not interpreted as an attempt to make the conversation about yourself by starting with “I think I might relate to how you feel. I have an experience that I think might be similar [share brief story] – does that resonate with you at all?” By keeping your version brief, putting in an introduction and a question at the end, you will help frame the story as an attempt to understand rather than take over or gloss over. Sharing personal experience can be a part of active listening, but consider how much of the ‘airtime’ is taken by your story rather than them speaking. It its more than 40-50% you, dial it back.
Making Real Connections
The third rule of #TimeToTalk is making time! Because so many of us are connected via social media, the art of the phone call has somewhat diminished. What do we talk about when we already know where our friends have been, what they had for dinner, how their pets/kids are doing and what they are binge watching right now? However, a lot of people don’t know how to initiate conversations about their feelings or ask for support and social media is not great for this, either too public or too much projecting a glossy image. Don’t assume that an Instagram feed is a good reflection of someone’s wellbeing. For someone who is struggling, it can be anxiety inducing to reach out one-to-one now, with all this surface level hyperconnectivity. People are wondering if we might be overstepping or putting our problems onto someone else. If you are concerned, I’d advise starting with just checking in more regularly about nothing in particular, rather than putting someone on the spot. Sometimes a more general chat about the world, what’s on television, a new innovation that’s out, all of this can turn into a larger conversation without it feeling forced. If a phone call feels like a bridge to far, you might start via DMs or text, rather than public feed posts. Providing any one-to-one connection that can open the door to a more serious conversation is a great first step with someone who is withdrawn.
Establish Boundaries
The fourth rule of #TimeToTalk is to know your limits. We all want to be there for people when they need our help but sometimes it is simply beyond our capabilities. We all have different life experiences and so must be mindful that some subjects may be triggering or get an unexpected response from others. If we need support surrounding an issue that is potentially triggering then it’s important to think carefully about who we engage with. Likewise, if we are trying to support a friend, family member or colleague but are finding the subject matter difficult or upsetting then you are right to establish a boundary. It’s okay to say “do you know, this is really reminding me something I went through and I finding it really emotional to process. I don’t think I am the best person to help you with this right now, it’s too triggering for me. Can I recommend that you speak to [insert suggestion].”
Yes, we must break the stigma and get better at talking about our feelings, but that does not mean that we are required to be a personal therapist at the expense of our own mental health when someone is dealing with issues that are out of our league. This is not selfish, it is actually the safest thing for everyone.
Safeguarding
A final rule for #TimeToTalk is to always remember that in cases of abuse, violence, a crime or serious self-harm then you can act by reporting a serious situation at work or to authorities, or by calling in others who are more closely related. It’s called safeguarding. If you are not sure whether to act, if it involves breaking confidentiality, then you can check this out by telling the story anonymously to a trusted person. At work, you might have a safeguarding lead, or a Health and Safety representative. In your personal life you might choose a friend who happens to also be a medic, nurse, police, probation, psychologist or social worker; we are trained to spot the difference between a sad story and a potential crisis and we have built in supervision for escalating concerns. You could also ring mental health support lines such as Mind or the Samaritans for advice on whether the situation warrants an intervention. Either way, if you are seriously concerned about another person’s wellbeing, do not try to carry that burden on your own, it is dangerous for you and your confidante and you must escalate the situation to someone who is trained to advise.
So in summary, #TimeToTalk is a wonderful initiative and we’ve made huge inroads into destigmatising mental health in recent years. We know that social connections have a protective effect for well-being, and we can be there for our colleagues, friends and family. We can show up with kindness, compassion and grace to those who need it, but we also know that in the past 12 months, many people are struggling more than they were. Covid has been devastating for personal security, finances, housing, job security and health. A friend said to me “there’s a lot of whelm, right now!” With so much going on, the stakes are higher for all of us. Please remember that self-care is an essential part of tackling mental health concerns in your community. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
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February 04, 2021 at 02:47PM
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Five Rules For Tackling Mental Health During Covid: It’s Time To Talk - Forbes
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