Pandemic leaves lots of time to eat and be grumpy - OCRegister

If I only had the time …..

For years that had been my mantra. All these obligations, business deadlines, personal matters, family issues. I mean, not a minute to spare, I kept lying to myself.

And then lucky me: a virus that keeps me in one place, home/office, for almost a year. So, what do I do?

My schedule … all day long almost nothing. Which takes planning because the rest of my hours are spent screaming at politicians, washing my mouth out with chocolate because chocolate doesn’t ask questions. Chocolate understands my obscenities.

The rest of the time is spent looking for stuff. That’s a full life now.

I have a place for everything, but where that place happens to be I sure don’t know — nobody knows. Not even Siri, my personal assistant who sometimes does not understand English but knows enough to scream at me when I curse. I regret giving her my car keys.

I’ve done Google searches for my documents, only to be told it’s in the cloud. I look up … nada.

Steve Jobs, what the hell? My fervent wish is for any item I need at any time to have its own GPS.

This is a true fact. I love order. I truly crave it, but when the “ambassadors” between gates 1 and 3 continually allow alien devils to sneak in my home without masks, probably while I’m sleeping, and permitted to throw documents all over so I can’t find my desk, then leave schmutz all over the kitchen and dishes in the sink, I must rebel.

Remember when that survey — before the interviewer moved to an undisclosed location due to his breakdown — was published after asking women how they felt about housework and they (I) laughed so loud that the survey-taker wet his pantaloons?

As a clinical hypnotherapist, I am also certified in a technique using “reframing,” meaning reinterpreting a negative in a positive manner. So now I see my home as a museum, and I leave everything strewn around so visitors and historians will have a sense of how one most brilliant, productive, adorable smelling, too, Laguna Woods native lived back when.

Isolation makes me hungry. Since “I” am self-employed, thus the only employee/personhere, I kindly treat the employee to meals constantly, made easier by my recent engagement to my refrigerator.

Other than that, I am a bunch of grumpy in a messy bitchy house and I need a hug!

Humorologist Jan Marshall, a Village resident, is an author of satirical survival books. Her latest one is “Dancin’ Schmancin’ With the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What!”

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Pandemic leaves lots of time to eat and be grumpy - OCRegister
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